UK PLC, or as you may better know us, our sister brand: Her Majesty's Government, is looking for a dynamic, passionate, honest, and truthful leader to help steer UK PLC to international acclaim.
Overseeing all of our Major Brands such as HM Government, Number 10 Downing Street, Her Majesty's Forces, as well as, "literally", a million individual departments such as DEFRA, The Treasury, DFID, UKTI, The NHS, The FCO and and a further thousand individual quasi-autonomous-non-governmental-departments that sit underneath our larger brands.
In recent years our reputation has taken some "hits" which the brand UK PLC is still suffering the legacy impact from. We hold our hands up, and admit, that yes, the previous leaders made mistakes, but we're looking for a charismatic, dynamic leader to help steer UK PLC in to a brighter, more together, greener, employable Britain.
Many of our competitors have recently hired very successful, dynamic leaders who have lead their brands to great successes, and we're looking for the next up and coming star to help UK PLC regain it's foothold in a highly competitive, globally focussed vertical.
What we're looking for.
- You'll be responsible for the wellbeing, happiness, employment, welfare, education and success of 65 Million Individuals.
- You'll be comfortable talking to Presidents all the way through to Despots & Tribal Gang Leaders.
- You'll have strong religious values or humanitarian values depending on who you're speaking to.
- You'll be a cricket fan, a rugby fan, a football fan, a tennis fan, a music fan, an art lover, a theatre goer, in short you'll be the face of what ever the current thing we're doing well at is, and you'll be there with a bowtie and a smile.
- You’ll be Public school educated, with a Russell Group University Degree, ideally Oxbridge.
- You'll have your own personal wealth, because no one became rich as PM/CEO, apart from that Chap who now works in the middle east.
- You'll be a passionate communicator, unafraid to stab the back of car seats with a pen when needed.
- You'll be anti-immigration or pro-skilled-worker migration depending on the day.
- You'll be all for a larger Armed Service, except if it's going to cost money.
- You'll believe in the NHS, unless of course, it's not affordable in which case you'll be for privatisation.
- You're naturally a "green thinker" unless it's going to limit fracking and creating jobs in the North East.
- You're against nuclear weapons, unless someone else has them, in which case they are essential deterrent against other people having them, unless we're selling them to them, in which case fair is fair and everyone should have them, but only when purchased from us.
- You'll have a keen sense of humour that borders on the smug, boorish, and over-priviledged and will let you have no qualms in shouting whilst others are talking during the critical PM/CEO question time sessions.
- You'll accept responsibility for the successes of your predecessors and attribute blame to them when the failure and responsibility is yours.
In short this job requires huge amounts of self belief, a disinterest in telling the truth, not answering journalists questions, and attempting to look "with it" when in all reality you should be too busy working to know who Joey from TOWIE is.
You'll be useless at social media, have limited understanding of the internet with the exception of porn, which you've heard of but not looked at, but you have heard children are addicted to.
However you'll love daytime TV talk shows and enjoy rigorous political debates such as talking to Chris Evans or Jeremy Clarkson about the best way to cook scrambled eggs.
Despite being hired by a public consultation you'll ultimately have to ignore their wishes in order to better serve large businesses in the hope they might think about paying their rightful level of tax, despite you having friends who advised them otherwise.
We're looking for the impossible, and we know that Unicorn Hunt is the place to find that special, mythical blend of political capital, professional capability and ethical and moral fibre to make UK PLC a going concern.
Please send all applications to the Ballot Box on the 7th of May.
We are equal rights employer, but we so far have favoured the middle class & white, and we’re not looking to disrupt the status quo just yet, apologies.
Salary range £140,000 — 140,000
Dependent on your discretion.
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